I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
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