addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
