it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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