We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
