Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
