Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
