I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Randomize
