Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Randomize
