ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
Moan for me like Helen Keller
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
Randomize
