i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Randomize
