I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
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