I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Randomize
