Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
