She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Randomize
