it's too hot outside to masturbate.
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Randomize
