This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
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I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
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She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
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