she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
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I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
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Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
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