When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Randomize
