she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
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