Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
