Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
I could fuck to npr.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Randomize
