Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
