just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
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