The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
