What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
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