Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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