I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
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