Tell her she can't have a vagina
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
