What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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