Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
