Moan for me like Helen Keller
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
