He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
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