im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Randomize
