how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
Come on in and take your pants off
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
