It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
