I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
