That's when you crack a 10am beer
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Randomize
