You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
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