I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
