I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Randomize
