The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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