There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
