I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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