You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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