i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
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