Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
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