Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
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