she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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