Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
is swine flu sexually transmttd?
Ha no, why?
sriously ive never had a hangovr this bad
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
