what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
