Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
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