Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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