i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Randomize
