His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
