I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize