brb k???!! plz don't leave i want 2 tlk bout r rltnshp
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
