Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
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I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
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