I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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