I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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